I thought that I would write this blog post, so that maybe someone, somewhere down the road will read this, and be able to find comfort in it, and understand that they are NOT alone.
I want to help make an awareness to other mothers that are/may be feeling the same way that I did.
My PPD started right after I had my baby boy, Evan (Sept 1st). This was my 4th pregnancy and my 4th c-section, and I elected for a tubal ligation at the same time as my last c-section.
I was physically and mentally exhausted after this past c-section.
I came out of surgery and waited in my recovery room all by myself. I waited and waited until they wheeled me to my private room, where I was united with my baby that I had just "given birth" to (even though I didn't really "give birth", he was just cut out of me).
I should've started out by saying that I had Evan at a Naval Hospital (which is a military hospital for all those who don't know that).
When I held my sweet baby boy in my arms, all I felt was instant love for him. He was beautiful, and he was all mine.
I had been feeling alot of emotions with knowing that this was my last pregnancy and my last baby. I felt a sadness from that. I know that my body couldn't physically handle another pregnancy or delivery, but I still felt a sense of loss from having my tubes tied.
It's just something that I felt inside of me.
The night that I had had Evan, I laid awake in my hospital bed.
I was miserable.
The room I was in had no air conditioning, it was broke and I couldn't switch rooms because they were all full. They nurse had told me that I might need to share a room, and that if that was the case, that my husband would not be able to spend the night with me...even though, I had just had a c-section, and still had the catheter in me...OH, and lets not forget about the annoying leg pumps that I had on each of my legs that would shot air into these cuffs to help prevent blood clots in my legs.
I couldn't fall asleep!!!!
But I was EXHAUSTED!
I remember laying there, my husband asleep in the other bed, the lights off, and the TV on. I just laid in my bed and cried.
I didn't know why I was crying?
But I was crying.
I had this perfect little angel laying on my chest fast asleep, and the most devoted husband a girl could ask for sleeping just feet away from me.....BUT....I was crying.
I just blew it off to my exhaustion. That made sense right?
Well, the next day, we had some visitors.
First, our good friend Shannon came in to visit us, and to meet Evan John for the first time.
That was pretty emotional for me.
Shannon's husband was Matt's very good friend. They served right beside each other in the Marine Corps. Matt had worked with her husband in a Recon team for 7yrs, side by side.
Shannon's husband was killed in action this July, his name was John.
We wanted to honor John, so we asked Shannon if we could use his name,
for our sons name,
and she gave us her blessing.
I cried again.
Then, my mom came up to the hospital to visit.
This again was really emotional for me. It was the first time that my mom has been able to be around for the birth of any of my children. It brought so much happiness to my heart to see my mother holding my newborn son.
I cried again.
Then, I had 3 fabulous friends come up to bring me gifts and spoil me with cheesecake.
They made me laugh, and I smiled ALOT.....but then after they left,
I cried.
My last visit that day were my 3 children. My mom had brought them up to the hospital for them all to meet their baby brother.
They were all so perfect with him, it melted my heart to see how much love they already had for their new baby brother.
In that moment, I also felt VERY overwhelmed.
I was now a mother of 4.
After I gave them all kisses goodbye and told them that I loved them,
and I was left in my hospital room all alone.....
I cried.
I also began to feel distant from my husband. I had NEVER felt this way after having a baby.
I always feel so in love with him all over again after we have a baby, but this time was different.
I began to shut my husband out.
The next day, I got to go home from the hospital.
I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
I was glad to be able to get home, and take a nice hot shower and lay in my comfy bed.
Over the next weeks, I found myself crying ALOT....mostly to myself when no one was looking. I would cry in the shower, and cry in bed at night after Matt feel asleep.
I knew that something was wrong with me, but I was really embarrassed about it.
I felt like I had the "baby blues", but wasn't really sure why?
I just wanted to be with my baby all the time, BY MYSELF.....I didn't really want much to do with my other 3 kids. I know that sounds horrible, and it sounds even worse to me as I type it, but it was the truth.
My mom tried to talk to me about it, and told me that I needed to see my doctor about it, and maybe be put on medication.
Medication?!?!
NO WAY!!!!
I didn't want to be put on medication, because I was embarrassed.
I felt like I would be showing my weakness if I talked to my MALE obgyn doctor about what I was feeling.
I just brushed it off, and told her and myself that what I was feeling would just wear off.
I just needed some time.
During all of this, I was still shutting my husband out.
I felt so distant from him, but yet, I didn't want to talk to him, to get him back.
I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I would mask myself around everyone, and try and put on a happy face so no one would know any different.
I didn't want anyone to know how I was really feeling.
I kept it all hidden inside of me.
I felt ALL ALONE!
I wasn't calling to talk to anyone, let alone answering the phone when people would call to talk to me and see how I was doing after the baby was born.
I was cutting myself off from the world.
But after talking to my great friend
Jessica, I realized that the feelings I was having were OKAY, and that if I needed medication, that was okay too.
I was able to talk and confide in her, which I really needed.
I didn't feel all alone anymore.
I kept telling myself that I just needed time for this all to wear off, and for me to be able to find myself again, and get myself back.
Evan will be 6 wks old on Thursday.
I can honestly tell you that I found myself again.
It took me about 5wks to do it, but I am back to my old self again, and I am feeling really inspired.
What I find hard to believe though, is during the first few weeks, I had went back to my doctor two different times for my incision (because it was split open in 2 different area's and wasn't healing, and from some extreme pain that I was having, it ended up being adhesion's),
but in both times that I went in for those appointments....
not one nurse, OR my doctor ever asked me "how are YOU feeling"? it was always, "how is the baby doing"?
Before I left the hospital, after I had Evan, I was never asked, "how are YOU feeling"?
I realized that having my baby on this base, at the Naval Hospital, with all the staff knowing that us wives are dealing with our husbands on deployment, or about to go on a deployment, that nobody EVER asked me, "how are YOU feeling"?
I felt like nobody cared at all, as if it would be too much to ask a new mom if they were okay?
Because, I was having all these feelings, and being the person that I am, and feeling embarrassed about it,
I would never tell them how I was feeling on my own.
If someone had asked me.....a nurse, my doctor, I would've broken down
and cried to them,
and told them the truth.
But nobody ever asked me.
I had always felt that having PPD, meant that you wanted to harm your baby.
That you had really bad thoughts of him and would feel really "ugly" towards him.
But, that was NOT what I was feeling.
I only wanted to love my baby.
I wanted to be alone with him, and hold him all to myself.
I didn't want to share him with anyone, not even my husband.
I had never felt this way after having my other children.
But now I can say that I am all better!
I really feel that my hormones and body were just going through alot.
I needed to find that balance again, and I did!
But I had to come out of it on my own.
I did it without medications, but...I did tell myself and promise others that if I was still feeling like I had before, that when I went in for my 6wk obgyn check up, that I would talk to my doctor about it, and get on medication.
I just want anyone who is reading this to understand that if you are feeling like I did,
NOT be embarrassed about it.
Talk to someone about it.
Don't shut people out, and feel like your in the dark all by yourself.
Thank you to my mom for hugging me when I cried and telling me that it was okay.
Thank you to
Jessica for listening to me, and helping me realize that
PPD is nothing to be
embarrassed about.
And, thank you to my wonderful husband, who put up with me being nasty and ugly to him for 5wks.
I love you all, and appreciate you helping me get through this.
I'm sorry if this was a forever long post to read.....but I needed to write it.
It felt very therapeutic.
I feel like I am back into the blogging world again, and back to myself.
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